A reflection by Helen Beausoleil, member of Saint Francis Peace Through Justice Ministry.
What image or experience comes to mind when you hear the word adoption? My first memory of adoption was my mother mentioning that the girls across the street were adopted. Then one night cruising the drag with one of my high school friends she told me she was adopted. What I knew and felt then was that these children were loved.
What is your first memory of adoption?
What I didn’t know was how much my life would be impacted by adoption. Forty-seven years ago my husband and I would create our family through adoption, adopting through Catholic Social Services of Montana (CSSM). Our girls knew they were adopted but mostly they knew they were loved not only by us but by their birth mothers and birth families too. What I didn’t know was that I would end up as a Social Worker for CSSM.
Do you know families who have adopted?
Creating families through adoption takes on many forms. The relationship of adoptive parents and birthparents has changed from closed adoption to open adoption for many families. CSSM has been on the forefront of adoption agencies in promoting and facilitating open adoption. We opened our adoptions and knew that it was the best loving decision on behalf of our daughters not only for them but their birth families.
Creating families through adoption is complicated. It takes support and understanding of the birthparents who are making a most important decision of their life and the life of their child. It is a parenting decision and birthparents need time and support to look at their options. It takes support and understanding of the adoptive couples, some of whom may be experiencing infertility. These couples are challenged by a loss they did not anticipate. And the children who are adopted need lifelong support as they navigate their own journey.
Children of all ages are adopted through placements from the foster system. There are international placements that require ongoing support. The goal of CSSM is to assure that children have a loving home. (See https://www.cssmt.org/)
Do you know what Catholic Social Services of Montana (CSSM) does?
In an interview with the new executive director of CSSM, Scot Held, he reiterated their goal and he affirmed CSSM’s ongoing commitment to Open Adoption and supportive counseling. He explained recent changes at the agency. While CSSM is continuing their adoption program they are also looking at expanding their vision to include other services that will support families.
Adoption stories…
In recent months the Pro-life movement has been in the news. We hear a lot about abortion but little about adoption. Sadly, there have been some negative stories about adoption. But this has not been my experience. It is important to be informed. It is complicated, it is not perfect, like any family there are successes and trials. It is a decision that deserves respect and support for a very difficult decision made on behalf of a child.
There are “millions” of stories of adoption. Stories of famous people who were adopted make the news. Recently, the media headlined a story about baseball player Aaron Judge being adopted. His was a closed adoption. When interviewed Aaron stated: “Some kids grow in their mom’s stomach; I grew in my mom’s heart… She’s always showed me love and compassion ever since I was a little baby.” For this reason, he explains, “I’ve never needed to think differently or wonder about anything.” (Newsday).
This is his perspective and yet there are circumstances when birth family information is critical. For example, my high school friend was having significant medical problems and needed some answers. But her files had been destroyed. She had no access to her medical or birth history. Thankfully, there is recognition of the importance to a child of their history in open adoption. Whether closed or open the adoption story should be shared for a healthy parent child relationship. There is also recognition that birthparents who make a loving decision are affirmed by seeing their child in a loving home and that they too can be part of their child’s life through an open adoption.
When asked about her adoption, this is what our daughter said:
As an adopted child I enjoyed the countless benefits of an open adoption. This was due to the selfless love of my parents and my birth mother. They each put aside their individual fears to create a modern family based in love, support, and openness. Now, as an adult with my own children, they too have enjoyed “more people to love” in our big extended family.
And this is what her birthmother said about her experience:
Open adoption means open hearts, as a birth mother making the difficult decision to place my child for adoption but not knowing where she was, would have left me wondering about her and living in fear and loss. Meeting her parents and becoming part of each other’s families shows us all how families can grow in love together. Love always wins.
The following comments on a poster present a challenge:
“I felt like everyone would support me if I had the abortion, but if I had the baby, I’d be alone. I felt I didn’t have a choice. No one ever told me about adoption. What was needed in order to have the child or consider adoption? I needed a friend. I felt so alone. If only one person had stood by me, even a stranger, I would have made a different choice.”
November is National Adoption Month.
Adoption will be celebrated at our State Capitol on November 28. Perhaps we could all learn a little more about Adoption as a parenting option.
What do you need to learn about adoption? How could you help?
